>Bloo: Investigate.
You can’t investigate yet. There are so many loose ends that need tying. You’re considering getting a sewing machine because your metaphorical seamstress skills are laughably inadequate. You swear that’s not your fault – at least, when collaboration is involved, it’s not.
Oh, sure. When you’re on a team and something goes wrong, it’s everyone’s fault but your own. Yes, you say. That’s exactly it.
That’s it. That’s it, you think. We need a formal introduction to this RPG. Who’s we? US, you say.
The team. AH, I reply back. Yes, you say again. Wow. It’s very clear who you are and what needs to be done is it not?
Buckle your seatbelts, folks – it’s time for a long goddamn post.
>Narrator: Formally introduce the Xenomorphs.
Your name is BLOO. You are the leader of a notoriously vicious gang of Xenomorphs called the
Midnight Crew SHADOW SERPENTS. A rival gang known as
THE HIVE recently instigated a series of unfortunate events that have led to this entire ship – the PLANES OF HARMONY – being transformed into a gigantic HIVE. Actually, it’s been turned into
two hives belonging to the aforementioned gangs – one hive at the top of the ship, the other at the bottom. Yours is at the bottom.
Your long history of violence with
THE HIVE has led you, the
BLUE QUEEN, to what seems like a final stand-off with their loathsome boss,
FIREHUNTER. The Hive’s previous boss, the
RED QUEEN known as
RED, had died a few weeks prior to the RPG. She was a relatively young Queen – about 3 months, you think – contrasting your incredibly old age.
FireHunter is a Predalien and the ALPHA MALE of The Hive. He’s also the leader of a small elite group within his gang known as the PRAETORIAN GUARD, which makes him a Praetorian, and he’s a monstrous tank because of it. The
Shadow Serpents also have a Praetorian Guard, though since they’re short on Praetorians, it’s just made up of all the human-controlled players taking part in this RPG.
What’s an RPG, you ask. Nothing, I say. Shut up and keep reading.
Your subordinates, WARALIEN, KIRBY-CAGE, BADAPPLE, BLIZZARD,
KRIO, GAMEFREAK, and DRONEHIVE are a part of said Praetorian Guard and have been dispatched to various locations throughout the Planes of Harmony to begin carrying out your mission. Your objective is to locate and crack Red’s SECRET CHAMBER, and plunder its mysteries.
Of course, you know it’s exactly the same as your old chamber, but you like to keep things dramatic and mysterious. This is a character trait that has been carried over from your young self, who was a much more adventurous and sexually driven individual. Remember when you anally probed
Dark with your tail and
split him in half when you drove it too far up his rectum? Yeah, no one else wanted to remember, either.
Fortunately for your most recent children (the ones that have been born on this ship), you’re a thousand year-old Empress who’s had enough of all that. You like to think of yourself as a sophisticated lady now; a loving mother and a stern leader to your abode. As such, you have warmly invited two stray Xenomorphs, Krio and Dronehive, into your Praetorian Guard. However, Krio is an asshole who tried to side with DarkLioness, and insubordination like that is punishable by death, either by yourself or by DarkLioness, should she choose not to work with him because of his former status as a Shadow Serpent.
You have a history with DarkLioness. She has often kept the same soul while being reincarnated into different bodies, just like FireHunter. In fact, this seems to be a specialty of both the
HIVEBORN and
SHADOWBORN Xenomorphs, considering how many familiar faces you can sense aboard this ship. Maybe it’s because you’re all player-controlled. Huh.
You’re an exception. In this alternate universe you have never died, so you’ve been able to see every incarnation of their characters – especially FireHunter, who has had countless rebirths. What a careless brute, you think. Just because you’re essentially immortal doesn’t mean you have to die all the time. It’s such a goddamn waste of time, and you’d know all about wasting time. Dronehive agrees with you. About FireHunter being a stupid brute, she means. She says you never waste time. Dronehive is a good new worker drone.
>Bloo: Investigate with Dronehive.
Dronehive says she likes you. You say okay that’s nice.
This floor is huge, you think. Like the size of an entire shopping mall, if you even knew what that was, which you don’t. This floor has more floors inside of it though. You really should call them LEVELS – each “floor” has many different altitudes (due to ramps and small sets of steps), not to mention the fact that there are floors
within these floors that lead to different corridors and elevators. In fact… it’s
exactly like a shopping mall.
Yes. We will call them LEVELS from now on. Each level on average is about 20 feet high with an additional floor or two within. This is means most of the floors will be a snug fit for you unless you go on all fours, which you usually do anyway, so no one knows why this is an issue because it’s not.
Perhaps a map is in order? Yes, you agree. If there’s one thing we like, it’s maps.
>Bloo: Examine heist map.
On review, your schemes seem a bit convoluted…
…But you wouldn’t have it any other way.
As you can plainly see, Kirby and Badapple have split up to neutralize as many red assholes as they can find. They each lead many lesser drones. War, Blizzard, and Gamefreak have gone to Red’s chamber to retrieve Royal Jelly and should meet up with you soon. Why go all the way to the top of the ship when you can have them do it? Dronehive agrees with you. That’s why Dronehive is your right-hand woman for the task you have currently set for yourself, which is to eliminate The Hive’s Praetorian Guard and all of its non-NPC Xenomorphs. The goal here is to kill FireHunter, but every red jackass you find before him will meet a similar fate. In fact, the fate is so similar that you could say it’s the same thing, which it is.
They will all die.
>Bloo: Do something ridiculous.
You imitate human laughter by huffing and wheezing air out of your second jaw. Your shoulders tremble frantically with excitement. The sound coming out of your mouth right now is more akin to a retarded hyena cackle.
BLOO: Hoo hoo hoo!
BLOO: Hee hee hee!
Your otherwise innocuous gesture is making Dronehive incredibly uncomfortable.
>Bloo: Cut that shit out.
You cut that shit out and get back to being serious. You’re a Xenomorph Empress – a crime boss for Pete’s sake, whoever Pete may be. But it’s for his sake, and dammit, you’re not gonna let Pete down.
>Bloo: Examine more maps.
You can’t do that because you don’t have any more maps. Come to think of it, you… don’t really know where you got the maps you
do have? Luckily for you, they seem to solve all the problems. All of them. You will surely be on the lookout for more maps because you love maps and you’re pretty sure they love you too.
>Bloo: Use radio device to check on unscrupulous cohorts.
You’re not sure what the hell a radio device is, but you use your “Hive Mind” ability to check on your long-distance party members to see what they’re up to. No “responses” yet.
You gather your junk – maps and all – and prepare to get this show on the… Oh! Wow. The team you sent to get Royal Jelly is back and you didn’t notice them. How long have you been following us, Gamefreak? You too, Blizzard? You really should speak up.
In any case, you now have 4 members in your immediate party. Someone is missing. Where’s War, you ask. None of them know for sure, but they know he’s on this level. Of course he is, you say. You’re the Queen. The Big G. You know where everyone vaguely is because of your Hive Mind ability. No one knows how that works, exactly. Honestly, you don’t, either. You just know it
does work.
One of the lesser drones tries to join your party. He asks if you’ve pip-pipped the doodly-doo.
BLOO: I… what?
LURKER: have you. pip-pipped. the doodly-doo.
BLOO: I – Of course. What are you insinuating, that I don’t know what my crew is up to? If there is a doodly-doo to be pip-pipped, then I have certainly pip-pipped the doodly-doo!
BLOO: Now go away. Do some important drone things.
LURKER: ok MOM.
So many of these worker drones have asked you that lately. God, what was he even talking about? Pip-dip the poodly-pup? Pip-fuck the puppy duck? Your younger self would have liked the way that sounded, but you’re a sophisticated lady now, and as such, you feel the appropriate thing to say is, “EEEEWW.”
In any case, there’s no way this is gonna be important later on. You put it to the back of your mind where it can’t hurt anybody.
>Bloo: Be FireHunter.
Bloo: WHY WOULD I EVER BE FIREHUNTER.
>Bloo: Examine Waralien.
Damn, girl. Settle down. Fine, here, you are now examining one of your trusty sub-leaders, Waralien. There he is! He is indeed on the same floor, albeit on nearly the opposite end. Alpha Draconis is close by, still going up the stairs. You guess they can’t trust the elevators. Understandable, seeing as there’s no power on a lot of levels, especially as you get closer to the middle of the ship where the CONTROL ROOM is.
Because
your chamber had power even as all the generators gave out, you assume that the control room would also have power because it’s the most important area of the ship. And you would be correct. This also means there is gravity in the control room, but not in the areas outside of it.
If the control room didn’t have power, why would Alpha Draconis want to go there in the first place?
Of course, they aren’t going to the control room just yet – for reasons you cannot comprehend, they’re heading toward the MAIN SUPPLY DROP HANGAR, which is at the front of the ship. Judging by the information your maps give you, it drops supplies on them with a clothing hanger? You don’t know for sure. Humans are weird. Gamefreak reassures you that you may, in fact, be completely correct.
>Gamefreak [Evil]: Lie to Bloo.
GAMEFREAK: You’re completely right, Bloo. Hehehehe.
Wow, that’s almost certainly wrong. You have a feeling that Gamefreak is either not all there in the head, or this is double of her, but you don’t give much thought to it. There is no way she will be part of your undoing. You put it to the back of your mind where it can’t hurt anybody.
>Stop examining Gamefreak who is right next to you and examine Waralien again.
Anyway, your mind has been straying. It looks like War is in trouble. And he’s also a Cystic Warrior now? It’s sort of like a badge of courage. That’s weird, but he’ll certainly need the enhanced abilities to stand up to
OH GOD IT’S FIREHUNTER.
>Waralien: Wear the badge. Be the hero.
WHY IS FIREHUNTER ON THIS LEVEL. OH FUCK, YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN HE WAS HERE, HIS LOCATION’S ON THE GODDAMN HEIST MAP. WHY ARE YOU ALL NOT ATTACKING. WHERE IS KIRBY AND BADAPPLE. WARALIEN DO SOMETHING.
>Waralien: Be Bloo.
You are now Bloo.
Good god. You couldn’t take any more of that. There also might be a Predator close to Alpha Draconis? That means there are probably more of them. And that worries you.
To make matters worse, the ROYAL JELLY that Blizzard and Gamefreak have brought to you is a pathetically tiny amount. This won’t due. You thank them for the effort, but there’s no way your Xenomorphs could ever bring you a sufficient amount to consume. You’d have to ingest it all at once, which means only one thing: You WILL have to go all the way up to Red’s chamber.
Now even more problems arise: You will either have to stop Alpha Draconis by sabotaging the supply hangar and the destroying the control room, or stop The Hive by consuming Red’s Royal Jelly and murdering FireHunter.
Goddammit.
>Bloo: Eat the jelly. Be the leader.
You swallow the jelly anyway. It does nothing.
It’s decided that you will send Gamefreak, Blizzard and Dronehive to stalk Alpha Draconis. Badapple and Kirby will wait in the control room.
You decide to try and make your way to Red’s chamber, which means you have to travel with the aforementioned group of
Shadow Serpents until you hit the supply hangar. From then on, you are on your own. Thankfully, it will take a few pages to get to the control room, and even longer to get to Red’s chamber. But why do you even want Royal Jelly? What will it do to you, Bloo? What?
What, I ask?
>Bloo: Be Ash Halliday 2 days ago.
You are now Ash Halliday, the guy that tried to execute FireHunter.
As Ash from the past, you decide to ask that ass Michaels a question about class. …es.
ASH: Michaels, sir…
MICHAELS: Yes?
ASH: The Xenomorph caste system –
MICHAELS: Class system. Classes. For the sake for rhyme.
ASH: I… what?
ASH: Sir, is there a reason we haven’t harvested he Red Queen’s royal jelly for study? Or reproduction, perhaps? Is it similar to a queen bee’s royal jelly?
MICHAELS: Halliday, I literally know all of these things, but it’s classified, even from you.
Of course, he knew none of these things.
MICHAELS: I can tell you right now that this special jelly does things. Horrible things.
MICHAELS: For instance, if you let a normal Xenomorph consume it, it turns into the Red Queen’s body guard. Larger. Stronger. More intelligent. A Pre-Queen, judging from its change in appearance. I call it… a Praetorian.
MICHALES: I don’t know if that’s the only way one of the worker drones can morph into a Praetorian, but it’s the most fascinating way to me.
MICHAELS: I specifically left it out to see if it could bring the Red Queen back to life.
By now you know that the Royal Jelly never brought Red back to life, nor could it ever have. Michaels was an idiot. A smart and creative idiot, no doubt, but an idiot…
ASH: So what would it do to a live Queen?
MICHAELS: Oh, I suppose… it would heal her? Make her more lively? Keep her alive for longer? Maybe even further mutate her? Just a few thoughts.
…An idiot that was completely correct.
MICHAELS: Now get some rest, Halliday! We have a big day tomorrow. We’re gonna execute the Yautja-Xenomorph hybrid tomorrow to dissect his body for study (and also because he causes a lot of trouble), and nothing will go wrong whatsoever.
>Past Ash: Be Present Bloo.
You are now Present Bloo.
To reiterate, you are now traveling upward through the Harmony with Blizzard, Gamefreak, and Dronehive. Your immediate party is stalking Alpha Draconis, who is heading toward the supply hangar and then to the control room. A Predator may or may not be close to Alpha Draconis. You will stay with your immediate party until you get to the hangar, at which point your paths will diverge and you will head onward to Red’s chamber alone.
Kirby and Badapple are off killing as many Hiveborn Xenomorphs as they can. Waralien is currently confronting FireHunter. Krio has betrayed the
Shadow Serpents by attempting to side with DarkLioness, who may or may not accept his help.
You have way too many irons in the fire. It’s ridiculous.