-Bloo-,
Yautja,
11 years ago
“I finally caught up to Bloo. Now do what you guys gotta do.”
-You what?!-
”I’m gonna distract Bloo, now you guys can carry on with that plan with the preggo and –“
-You imbecile. She will kill you.-
”Yeah, but she’ll probably kill Red, too, and that’s what you wanted anyway, yeah?”
-The plan was never to kill the royal parasite residing within your chest cavity. The plan was to prevent it from growing into a new Queen while this plan was underway.-
”…”
-We have plans for the parasite. Plans involving setting it loose against the Elder Council.-
I don’t…
-I cannot spare the details as of yet. Just get out of there, and make sure the royal parasite does not escape from your body.-
”WAIT. HOLD THE FUCK UP. YOU… You aren’t going to take it out of me?”
-I…
Yes, we were going to take you captive and wait for the royal parasite to birth itself in controlled conditions within our ship. And yes, you would have been the host. We see no reason in taking it out of you. You are human, and therefore one of the closest living things to a “pure” host.-
”You bastard.”
-Shit happens.
~~~~~~~ -
”Hey! HEY!
GODDAMMIT.”
––––––––––––––––––
-Come in. No, I know you have been busy, but this is urgent. Yes, exactly, our plans have been compromised. Get in there, take Jim in and spare Bloo for the time being. Kill the rest.-
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“Fuck. Fuck. FUCK.”
’jim sounds sad!’
“Goddamn it. Now I have to steal one of their ships.”
’voice, where are you? jim is sad and I don’t know what to do!!
*The bad old lady changed her mind. The bad old lady wants to kill you now. You have no choice – you and Jim will be dead now. I can’t help you.*
’oh nooooo’
Jim’s Journal #1
“I found a recording device on me. ‘Pparently I recorded a bunch o’ shit, but I don’t remember any of it. Fuckin’ whack. I don’t know what the fuck drugs I was on, but I sounded like a whack British douchebag in an Italian dinosaur exhibit, like some Ben Stiller Night at the Museum bullshit. Anyway, let me describe what the hell just happened to me.”
“So I was running for Bloo, and I thought I was doin’ a pretty good job. Suddenly, the Yautja I was talkin’ to just told me I was always meant to die, which is bullshit. I started running away when I tripped, and this Xenomorph I hadn’t seen yet decided to creep on me and lick me with its second jaw, which was shady as fuck. She looked like one of them female panthers, bein’ all sneaky and cat-like – you know, what the fuck are they called? A lioness with black fur? A DarkLioness?
Anyway, so I thought this bitch was gonna kill me, but then she licks my cheek and hisses in the direction I was running toward. I didn’t know why, so then I started running again, but then she grabs my leg and pulls me down to the ground, but not to kill me – no, it was as if she was protecting me from something.
And then she came.
There she was: Bloo, in all her big ass crystalline glory. I never knew why she was whitish rather than black like the rest of them. But there she was, running toward me like I was a big ol’ fat salmon stuck between some rocks and she was a food-deprived Russian bear.”
’oh noooooo!’
’jim, move! jim! darklioness, reeza, help!
”I couldn’t move at the moment. I dunno, man. It was just terrible. I was paralyzed. It didn’t help that Red kept squirming around in my chest.”
-Jim, you stupid asshole. Give it up. I have sent one of my “agents” to collect you.-
”Holy shit, you just don’t quit, do you? How are you even still talking to me?”
-That is not important, as we both know how we have been talking to each other and there is no need to explain it. It is not like there is an audience reading our conversation. You are the master of redundancy. Now, when my agent, Concrete Hunter, takes you, do not struggle, lest he set your penis on fire with our special shoulder-mounted broom stick.-
”Fuck you!”
-I see. We have no choice but to set your penis on fire with our special shoulder-mounted broom stick.-
––––––––––––––––––
-Hello, Concrete Hunter? Ah, you and Deathdrop killed Bloo’s Alpha Male? Perfect. Let us see if that does not impress the Elder Council. Now bring Jim in as soon as you can. See if Deathdrop cannot help you. And then shoot Jim’s penis off.-
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”DarkLioness’s arms shot toward me, firmly grasping my torso for a second before throwing me out of Bloo’s way. The speed at which sh tossed me caused me to black out for a few seconds. Goddamn, those things are faster than they let on. And then you won’t believe it, another one of those red Xenomorphs darted toward Bloo! She head-butted Bloo right in the neck, knocking her over a good 15-20 feet. This Xenomorph was a goddamn giant compared to the normal ones – what, 9-10 feet? And she was fuckin’ bulky.”
’reeeeeeza!’
”This giant red bug glanced at me and then back at Bloo. A big ass amount of dust clouded this little patch of ground in an otherwise dense forest. For what seemed like an eternity, she, Bloo and DarkLioness only stared at each other while pounding the ground and snarling. I was fuckin’ frozen, man. I had no fuckin’ idea what to do.”
*You bitches. Get the fuck out of my way.*
`HA HA HA. FUCK YOU.`
’reeza, just give her back darklioness, maybe she’ll go away!
wait, that voice…
oh
noooooooooooooooooo
she is the bad old lady!’
`OH MY GOD, FINALLY.`
*I just want Jim and Hedy.*
`AND THEN WHAT?`
*And then nothing. I want nothing to do with Red.*
`REALLY?`
*Yes. So I’m going to kill her. Tie up loose ends.
But first I’m going to kill you and your new fuckbuddy, DarkLioness.*
”This probably only went on for a minute or two, but I was so goddamn frozen in the moment. SO frozen.
`JIM IS SO FROZEN RIGHT NOW.`
”The giant red Xeno reminded me of my favorite rapper, RZA, from the Wu-Tang Clan. I don’t know why. There’s virtually no reason for me to think this. But if anyone actually gets to read this journal entry, I’ll call that huge big bug Reeza, just for easy reference.
Anyway, like I was sayin’, they just stood there in a sort of Mexican Stand-Off until Bloo began inching toward my direction. Something was off about this. She didn’t even look at me – it was as if she only did this to piss off the smaller Xenomorphs. Then her entire body vigorously shook like a jackhammer into concrete. This is when Reeza and DarkLioness switched positions with Reeza holding her spot in front of me as DarkLioness taunted Bloo. They went at it like fuckin’ roosters at a cock fight, twirling and ripping at each other’s skin with no mercy.
One of them bellowed confidently as the other squealed in pain. Again, Bloo pounded the ground. Lioness flipped upright and slammed her tail into Bloo’s side, briefly shocking her. Goddamn! Small as she was, Lioness could hold her own. She then vaulted onto Bloo’s shoulder and bashed her in the face, further knocking the blue behemoth backward. They both snapped to opposite ends of the field, arms ready.
Reeza attempted to strike, only to miss and have her tail smashed into the ground by Bloo’s foot. This stunt dug a small crater into the ground. The impact was astonishingly loud – debris exploded into every direction. DarkLioness’s body shielded me.
With a loud THUD!, Bloo rolled over and lobbed DarkLioness at a nearby tree, attempting to nab me in the process. Reeza battered Bloo’s side and sent her tumbling into the same tree that previously stopped Lioness’s flight. Shit, dude. You should have seen it. Bloo soared incredibly smooth for a Queen, especially one at her age and size. This greatly testified to Reeza’s strength.”
`GET AWAY FROM HIM, YOU BITCH.`
”What a strong motherfucker.”
`I AM A STRONG MOTHERFUCKER.`
”She wouldn’t stop roaring. She was obviously very proud of what she just did; her bark was terrifyingly deafening. It echoed all throughout the forest, foreshadowing the rage that was ‘bout to come. But Bloo got up without a second thought, as if what just happened didn’t faze her at all. In fact, she was still smiling. Did these assholes have emotions? Jesus Christ.
DarkLioness was briefly stunned by Bloo’s own screams, which stopped Reeza’s roaring. Bloo’s dirty white complexion, slathered with dirt and saliva, beamed with the type of raw aggression you’d only expect from a thug looking at a cop. Shit was absolutely terrifying, man. You’d have to see it to believe it.
SO terrifying.”
’you’re a bad old lady, bloo! reeza, i want them to help you!’
`ARE YOU… ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?`
’yes! i don’t want you two to die!’
`OKAY, BUT THEY’RE NOT GONNA LIKE THAT I WOKE THEM UP FROM THEIR NAP.`
*Who is “them,” and why should it matter? Just give me Jim you blubbering twatfucks.*
”I ain’t no weatherman, but I’m pretty sure it’s rainin’ bitches!”
’noooo’
-Concrete Hunter? Deathdrop? Get in there quick. It sounds like they are about to kill each other. Stupid assholes.-