Deathdrop,
Yautja,
11 years ago
KIRBY. WHAT THE FUCK.
Worms? You have the sacred worms living within you? THE SCROLLS FORETOLD OF THIS. WORMS WOULD GROW IN THE GUT OF THE SPAMMERBORNE, AND, INFUSED WITH HIS GREATNESS, WOULD BECOME THE WORM-FOLK OF LEGEND.
Kirby, listen to me very closely:
You must train them. You must teach them language, art and agriculture so that they can farm bacteria in your stomach. From this, they will build modular organs to attach to your insides, allowing you to breathe fire and shit icicles. With these new abilities and bright neon tights, you will be able to fight crime.
YOU WILL BECOME KNOWN AS ICY HOT MAN.
This, of course, will lead to the makers of Icy-Hot to try to sue you, bastards that they are. That would cause concern for some people, but you know better, don't you?
Yes. Of course you do.
This is all part of the plan. Their lawsuit will result in the worms launching combat eggs out of the cannon they installed in your belly button, seeding the brains of the foolish executives and telepathically influencing them to sell you the entire corporation for 'bout tree fiddy.
You will immediately liquidate the redundant branches, sell off what remains, and receive a steady stream of blackmail money due to the telepathic link with corporate executives who like to get spanked with three day-old trout by hermaphroditic Venezuelan dominatrices over the weekend.
YOU WILL MAKE MILLIONS.
These millions will be invested in buying up old abandoned shopping malls, the insides of which you will convert into gigantic worm farms. From here, you can establish the first of the tapeworm cities by allowing a number of your intelligent worms to breed with local stock, creating a hybrid worm-race armed with organic technology harvested from your body.
Worms grow fast. It will take only a few years for the cities to take shape. Once sizable colonies are established, the worms will begin to increase in intelligence exponentially.
Within the decade, they will have mastered cold fusion, among other feats. While the money will have run out by now, you will have become the spiritual leader of the most technologically advanced civilization on the planet.
The worm-folk will invent such wonders as the world today dare not dream of. Antigravity, nanotech, cloning, matter transmission, disease-eating microbes... These are just a few of the innovations your people will produce inside the next twenty years.
But even these miracles will seem child’s play compared to their crowning achievement:
The All-Mind. The worms are telepathic, you see. When they die, they pass the sum total of their knowledge and experiences into a psychic repository. The knowledge contained there will be literally unimaginable.
By this time, the outside world will have to take notice, and diplomatic relations will be formed with the UN. In exchange for all criminal charges against you being dropped, the technology of the Worm-Nations will begin filtering into the rest of society.
The world will be transformed almost overnight, but progress will be hampered by corporate greed and political chest-thumping. Human civilization will be unable to be properly transformed.
This, too, is a part of the plan. The advancements will be stunted, but the billions you receive from them will be more than sufficient to build 15,000 mile-long satellites, to be placed in strategic locations in Earth’s atmosphere.
As far as the cooperate and government interests will be concerned, these satellites will act as giant filters to clean the air, reversing the effects of global warming and decreasing atmospheric pollutants worldwide. And they will.
But they will also be fitted with telepathic transmitters that, when in position, will instantly transmit the All-Mind into the brain of every single human being on the planet. Within seconds, all of humanity, from the most recently-born baby to the oldest man on Earth, will gain the accumulated knowledge of decades of highly advanced research.
Villages in sub-Saharan Africa will launch space probes. Preschoolers will doodle blueprints for quantum computers. The mentally retarded will devise cancer cures.
There will initially be chaos, but within a few years the tensions will calm. War will become unnecessary, starvation will become impossible, and money will become obsolete. The only problem will be overpopulation, which space migration will quite easily solve.
“The Great Transfer,” as it will come to be known, will be the beginning of a new age of achievement, as Human and Worm venture into the stars together to forge a new future based on cooperation, play, and mutual respect.
The Scrolls foretold of this; it is possibility, not prophesy. If these worms are what they seem to be, though... IT IS TIME.
...
That or you just have a really fast metabolism, which is a lot more plausible, frankly.