My Orc is named Sarnar, my Orc from Oblvion was named Sar. You all get it, the correlation, I bet. Anywho, let me now lamely go into the first perso... I mean let Sarnar have a word to describe himself with no shred of modesty.
"I am Sarnar, wielder of the hammer of might, the Dragonborn!" he said whilst sitting on a stool, holding a microphone under the spotlight "I am the skull fucker of High Elves, Argonian handbag carrier, Khajiit rug salesman, bitch slapper of Bretons, cremater of Dark Elves, Forest fire maker to Wood Elves, backhander of Imperials, banger of Nords(give me some sugar Ysolda) and bro to my fellow Orsimer" he said, slipping his shades off his forest green face revealing yellow eyes.
"Now, Y'all don't want to fuck with me, you see, 'cause I've killed more people in a day than you have in your entire life. Why, back in my youth of level five, I beat an entire mine full of bandits to death with my bare hands. Lydia was there too, killin' people or some shit, but I totally killed MOAR!!!!" he said, spitting the last word out venomously as if hiding the truth of his undeserved success under pile after pile of lies.
"When I was a young lad of level seven, long after I killed my first couple hundred thousand dragons, I fell madly in love with Ysolda the Nord after only knowing her for literally four seconds. She used her charm on me and I ran out into the fields to kill a Mammoth for her to win over her heart. I valiantly defeated the death beast from hell, bravely standing on top of a jutting rock whilst screaming and shooting arrows poorly. Man was I great with a bow back then, anyway, I went back covered in Mammoth blood and forked over my hard earned tusk. I proposed marriage to my love Ysolda, yelling 'it ain't goining to suck itself!' to her before we skipped of to Riften to be wed."
"I still fondly recall giving her a concussion on the headboard that very same night, but enough of that. Let me tell you all of my best friend, a Troll named Lesly. I was out kicking ass(getting chased by Wolves) out by Riften when I stumbled upon Dayspring Canyon which was filled with leather clad BDSM Nords with crossbows, my kind of place!" he said, adjusting his codpiece shamelessly.
"After I joined the reclusive anti-vampire(AIDs) sex club, I was sent to find Gunar(Gunmar, Cumjar, whatever his name was), apparently he got lost while looking for lubricant and a pony. After I brought back Gumfart the well lubed I was awarded a VIP membership card which included access to the new litter of Trolls(along with some hard-on pills, billions of Orcs suffer from ED everyday, don't judge me you fascists) they just got in! I went to the (totally non-sex)pens and there he was, staring out at me with three big eyes and a drooly fanged maw, so cute!" he said, wiping a tear from his eye.
"I remember the first things my Lesley killed, the whole town at Dragonsbridge. I still have them after all these levels" he said, pointing to a large sum of stuffed townsfolk.
"After all those levels, we were out on walkies because Lesley had his important business to do, defeating the urge to poop on the rug. But then... then it happened. A horse rocked down from the sky and landed on my poor Lesley, killing him instantly!" the large Orc shouted, tears streaming down his deadpan face.
"As I stood there indifferently as any real man would(crying and screaming, with some rolling around and leg kicking), I realized it was my own horse that lay dead in a mangled pile on my now also mangled Troll, and only one thing could have sent a horse flying that high in the air... a Giant! I of course rushed back to my nearby house, my Wife(and money) was there, and my children(drug mules) and Steward(mistress) too!"
"When I arrived at my home, the Giant was picking its nose, the bastard was flicking them into my garden! My roses! I of course decided to peacefully talk him down(charge the fucker with my hammer), asking him nicely(beating his knee in) to leave before offering him some water before he went(his own blood to choke on). The odd fellow decided to roll down the hill after I said farewell(Fus Ro Dah bitches) to him" he said, shifting on the stool.
"But you know what I enjoy most about my life? Killing other people of course!" he said before jumping into the audience with a knife.